I have been surrounded by babies and pregnancies this year. My high school sweetheart had a baby (with a close friend); my ex-boyfriend/mentor is about to be a dad; two of my 6 coworkers are expecting; my bestie is loving life with a beautiful 3-yr old; and it seems like everyone I talk to knows someone who is pregnant or a new parent. Fuck! What’s a girl to do with that much inundation? Do I have to have a baby too? Do I want to be a mom?
Let’s see… well, I certainly don’t have to have a baby… I think I want to be a mom… it’s a fertile world out there, will I just spontaneously get a bun in the oven?
I’m 28, married, I have a good job and I’ll be graduating from college in a few short months. My husband and I have always been open about talking about having kids. When we were dating I was openly opposed to having children. I didn’t have a horrible childhood but my mother wasn’t very good at being a mom and she told me once that her mother wasn’t very good at being a mom and I guess I figured I wouldn’t be good.
I’m a “hardcore” atheist but I won’t deny that there’s something to the energy about being surrounded by fertility and pregnancies and babies. I think I’ve even got to that point I’ve noticed in movies and books in which the woman sees a bunch babies and cares all of the sudden about her own potential reproduction. So, now that’s me? *sigh* Yes.
My husband and I in all of our openness have recently discussed children again. I thought about all of my friends with children and how I never contemplated them as mothers or fathers but how when their kids were born, they magically morphed into these awesome parental units. They didn’t all plan on having kids when they did but in the end, it always worked out for them. In our discussion we decided that since there’s no really right time, I would go off of birth control and just accept whatever happened. That lasted about two months and now I’m trying hard not to be upset that I haven’t gotten knocked up. Now, my brain is all fucked in the head because why the hell should I even care? I tell myself that I don’t really want a baby right now the time isn’t good, it doesn’t matter that I have a good job, he still has 2 years of school left…
Where does this “baby fever” come from? Seriously, where? Okay, biology. I get that, I like logic and I can logically be aware that since I’m in my late 20’s and I’ve got some decent genes to pass on, they want to be passed on. That’s how it works… genes want to survive, to replicate. Alright, good… some logic. But, what to do about it?
When we had our discussion, my husband said, “since there’s no right time, let’s not try to get pregnant but let’s stop trying not to get pregnant”. But, ugh, now I keep seeing the fertility all around me and keep thinking “will it happen?… When will it happen, already!?”. But then I am paranoid about buying those test strips that let you know if your life is about to get fucked up in all kinds of ways. I notice every single mood swing and every instance of nausea (I have a weak stomach to begin with) and every time my cycle is off (which it has always been when I’m not on the pill). I start to think… do I need to clean my house? What will the landlord say? Should I declaw my vicious cat?
These thoughts are so strong it’s annoying. It’s uncomfortable even blogging about it because I like to think I have a lot more on my mind and a lot more to offer with writing. But logically, I can’t stand up against biology. I can’t stare it in the face and say, “fuck you!”. I just have to go with it and hope one of us wins out. Either I stop thinking about it or I get preggers, it’s so frustrating to juggle the in-between bit.
Alright, now that it’s all written down maybe I can actually move on and get to the business of philosophizing or at least keep it out of my mind for a day or two. Here’s hoping…